Butterfly in winterland sweet as can be
innocent and pretty, feeling so free
like the colours of a beautiful rainbow you shine
Adored by everyone, almost divine

But days go by and you learn fast
Happiness can’t possibly last
In this mad world, sad and painful
Those closest to you start acting hateful

Cruel words hits you like a punch in the face
Leaving marks, an empty dark trace
A paralysing fear strikes you
No one in the world to go and talk to

Slowly you flee back into your cocoon
Hoping it will all be over soon
your smile once so pure and mellow
replaces something fake, incredibly shallow

Restless days with no meaning passes by
All empty and cold, another feeling to deny
Leaving a trace of a hopeless shadow
Reality becomes unbearable to swallow

So little one be ware of danger
Treat everyone as a stranger
For you have learned in life not to trust
the demons who cowardly hide in dust

Sleep now as you fade into the land of dreams
Soon you will see nothing is what it seems
No more sorrow no more tears
No more crying over haunting fears

No one can hurt you any longer
Faith is getting stronger
Until all pain suddenly drifts away
Knowing that those who once hurt you will pay

I knew I never should have showed my face at bergen tennis club ever again. I did today because I had to step in for my sister during a dog exhibition (she claims she is afraid of dogs, begging me to go instead of her, don't know why). The thing is, at the end of the day I walked out being signed up as a member of the women's team. Hello, they must be crazy. I haven't played for ages and I can't even imagine how bad I must be playing right now. Oh, I know i'm too easy to persuade. Always have been. Okay, maybe it's gonna be a little fun playing again, but really, I rather not. I guess in a way, I still dislike it. There are so many arrogant people in this environment you wouldn't believe it. Stuck-up people with a lot of money, what can I say about them... Not that I hate all rich people, it's just... I don't know how to explain it. Crap, another messy post of mine. I can't really get my thoughts straight written down. It's not helping being extremely tired either, having problems sleeping like a normal person. I wake up like every 15 minutes at nights, or so it seems. Not to mention all the neighbours cats gathering together outside my window having a party. There are times I just want to kill them all. Anything to shut them up. On top of that, these awful sleep-paralyses keep bothering me. I hate it when that happens.

And yeah, my old job called me this week letting me know they had work for me. I'm glad that's out of the world. At least I have one thing to be happy about.

You scare me
With your dominating presence
Your way of being
Those intense brown eyes of yours
see right through me
Like no other
I’m floating on clouds
Yet it hurts badly

You say you love me
It’s getting hard to breathe
I’m slightly starting to choke
I can’t bear it any longer
Have to get away
Fast!

There, I finally escaped
Or did I?
Something feels seriously wrong

You that once filled my spirit
Emptiness has replaced
But the memory of you
Refuses to leave me alone
You’re still here
This time in my mind
You have become a nightmare
Reminding me of my foolishness
Again and again

Get out damnit
Get out!

Still uncontrolled emotions
These bloody emotions
Please go away
They are eating me up inside

I need to be free
Is that too much to ask?

I can see it looks like I have abandoned my blog. Posting isn't quite what I prefer doing these days. But I did post night to friday... Did anyone read that? I hope not. Jesus Christ, what alcohol makes me write! I didn't delete that one for nothing either hehe.

Anyway, I've signed up as a member at a gym now. I need to get in shape. I'm 21 years old. I should be at my best which I'm not and now i'm doing something about that. I even got myself a personal trainer just to help me get started. Man, I feel like a fucking hamster in a wheel, jogging on that treadmill(???or whatever it's called in english). Talk about setting your patience to the test. Apart from that being really boring, it's okay. I still train a little kickboxing, but because of the incredible inconvenient time of the day this starts, I'm forced to do something else apart from this.

I have also gone shopping-crazy lately. Finally I have a bank account that's not fucking empty like it constantly was last year. Yeah, I was pretty poor then. Well, maybe not poor, but I had to live a lifestyle completely different from what I was used to.. Suddenly it became very clear to me how spoiled me and my sister actually are. Even more when my closet collapsed yesterday. What a sight. But it was a clearly reminder that some of my clothes has to go.. I guess it's time to sort out some of the things I'm not wearing anymore and give it away. Luckily good old Bjørn fixed it for me afterwards.
If I ever feel sorry for myself again for lack of material things, somebody please slap me in the face.

I'll take advantage of my last months at home though, until I go back to being a student:

"I'll think about that tomorrow"

That’s me in a nutshell!

I’m in the state of doing absolutely nothing of what I’m supposed to do. Everything is under a fucking delay and it’s of course no one elses fault but mine. Talk about feeling slack... I just want to sleep trough the rest of this incredibly lousy winter and wake up 3 months from now. Little is happening! I have asked myself how to get out of this ridiculously inapt behaviour of mine, but everything that used to be refreshing and fun, suddenly is dull and seems completely meaningless. I don’t want to be a mood-killer, but this is just the way it is sometimes.

Somebody asked me if I wanted to go skiing this weekend. Well, I haven’t quite forgotten last time I did that yet. I came home with a broken tooth and not so surprisingly, multiple bruises all over my body. Since then going skiing hasn’t really appealed to me that much. This wouldn’t have happened in the first place if it wasn’t for our teacher, which literally ordered us to fall, just for the sake of knowing how to. Anyway, my fall wasn’t a pretty one, that’s for sure. Then again, perhaps I should think about switching to snowboarding or even better, stay the hell away from these kind of winter sports. I rather hike the mountains, but right now it’s too cold for that to be enjoyable. I’m looking forward to doing that again though.

Things that are going trough my mind

At this very moment I am missing that strong feeling that love gives you. The warm tingle inside you that occurs when ever you are close to your love. Perhaps this wouldn’t be any good for me since I’m leaving Bergen soon. I mean if I did fall in love with someone now, it would be even more sad abandoning this city and I can’t afford somebody holding me back at this point in life. That’s the rational part of me speaking, because I know I would sacrifice leaving Bergen if I did develop strong emotions for someone. Still, I long for that feeling sometimes. To care deeply for someone else. Then it’s not about me anymore, but an other little soul which may as well be as lost as I am at the moment. The strange thing is that I have this desire in me now, which has been totally absent in my past. The desire to make this one person feel like the luckiest person alive. This may be considered silly and unrealistic,but at the same time it’s true. Yes, I’m one of those people who believes in sincerely, everlasting love. Many would probably say I’m young and naive, but even if I am, the thought of this makes me happy and it gives me hope. It makes every second being in this state of mind worth it. And it makes me maybe more patient than ever. Am I finally starting to grow up? The child in me is still present at times I admit, but for some reason I’m not quite the same anymore.

It seems to me that everything that has happen in the past has strengthen me instead of tearing me down like I have believed for so long. Like many others, I have this habit of looking at all the bad stuff in my life instead of seeing things for what they truly are. Can you imagine how boring life would be if everything was perfect? Then there wouldn’t be any point in going on with our life's and how sad isn’t that? A perfect life is nothing more then a well-known illusion, but of course the best we can get out of life is somehow close to this illusion. I know I have had to learn some things the hard way, especially when it comes to love. Funny enough though, I’m glad I have gotten to experience even the toughest lessons in my life. Okay, sometimes I feel my life is cursed, I mean really doomed, being so sick of people constantly leaning on me and not listening. Sometimes I just want someone to lean on too. At the same time I feel incredibly blessed getting trough such difficult times in a whole piece. After all I learn the best from these kind of experiences. I can honestly say that I tend to confuse myself and maybe my readers as well, but with a little introspection, I have come to the conclusion that this is how I really feel. I may not be the same tomorrow, considering the fact that my feelings may swing the opposite direction faster than the speed of light, This is unfortunate I think. These thoughts of mine tend to be so unstable and fragile. But if I just sit down for a moment, clear my mind and think, this is the answer I end up with over and over again...