I'm feeling much better. It's my family. I swear, they have driven me even more insane than I was before I left for this little Christmas break. Anyway I forgot to mention, I did get a lot of nice things this Christmas. So a thank you to Santa!

Also my mom came home from the platform today. She obviously missed Christmas with us, even though she was scheduled to be at home this year. The thing is she traded with a colleague so that he could be at home with his kids for Christmas, which I think was a pretty nice thing of her to do. Lets say you don't find many that are willing to trade away almost the whole Christmas season just like that. Hmm... God, she must really hate us. No, I completely understand:)

And we're swimming in bags and bags of chocolate here, straight from the best chocolate factory in Norway (Nidar). You gotta love it.

Ahhhh, I'm going crazy here. There's so many things I want and I've managed to spend all my money. I'm especially aching for a red old fashion coat, a pair of diesel jeans and this cute skirt which is perfect for my height. There's nothing to do then to wait until my next salary comes. This makes me think. Where the hell did my last one go?? How did I manage to use all of it, just in a couple of days? Seriously, I'm not very economical, nobody has to tell me that. Oh yes, Christmas gifts of course, but, but hello. 18000 kr?? There were some new clothes for myself, and some bills, but they weren't too bad. Hmm... For my defence I remember giving a small amount to charity as well. Okay, I could of given more, or could I? Like I'm broke now. But I can't help it. Must have that red coat. Yes must have!

My work here in Bergen keeps calling(bugging) me, but the last thing on earth I wanna do right now is work, even though there’s a million things I could use the extra income on.

I’m wondering, will I ever be able to accept my life for what it is. It seems like a struggle of another dimension. No matter what I do, nothing really good ever happens anymore, or so it seems. Yes, I’ve been having a shitty day. Perhaps this is an unfair view of my current situation, but I have not been feeling well lately.

It is during my holidays that I miss him the most. It's so strange. 3 years has gone by after his death and still I can't quite get used to only having one parent. Yes, I'm talking about my father who died of cancer... I was 16 at the time he got sick, my sister only 12.

What a Christmas it has been. I don't know how to put it because it wasn't bad, not at all. More bizarre maybe and in a weird way entertaining. Whether it was my cousins wild behaviour, my grandmother getting very drunk, reviling secrets(which is unusual), my grandfather finally enjoying Christmas (for once) or my aunt actually being nice, it was quite something. My mothers absence was of course noticeable and I wish she had been there with us, but what can you do... Now if this was the US, I would have probably talked to my shrink by now!
At the end of the night you wonder why you're not just one of those people with a normal family, but then it hits you that at least you're lucky enough to have one at all, well that's how it is for me. Even if I have to face our differences every time we meet, I couldn't be without them.

I had my last exam. Think I did pretty good on this one, but I don't dare to expect anything before I know the result! And I'm going home on friday. Woho! First of all I'm probably going to eat till I'll almost drop down dead. What can I say, that's part of Christmas. Too bad my mom and Bjørn doesn't come home from the north sea until the 26th of december. But I look forward to Christmas anyway because I'm kinda used to not having everyone in my family at one place at the same time.

On second thought, fuck school!

This is all too much. I'm so exhausted. Tomorrow there's school from 8.30 am to 2.45 pm. Then there's work from 3 pm to 11 pm, which means I'm not at home before 11.30 pm. I can't wait to take a break from all this shit. Only 10 more days until the holidays though. Surely I can manage to function a little bit longer, but I definitely need to slow down soon. I'm feeling weak as a kitten living this way.

There's a storm outside by the way and I'm in Bergen. How convenient. It's not the best idea driving over the mountains at this time with no lights and crappy roads combined with this wild weather. Who knows what kind of crazy things might be waiting for me on the road. Oh, fucking hell... Now I'll have to get up at 4 am just to reach school tomorrow.

For which purpose am I? For whom am I doing this? What are my expectations? What are my goals? Why do I even bother to think these silly questions... It can't be healthy!

I'll just close my eyes, cross my fingers and hope I'm not headed for disaster.

Instead of going to quiz which was my plan this evening, I've been at home eating like there was no tomorrow. Even gingerbread cookies (which I don't even like) went down. At least my doctor will be pleased to know that I'm eating more. I don't get it, is this a symptom of depression? Or is it just that i'm bored with my life? It's hard to say really. Currently I don't feel a thing.

Could I be more slack then this... Just the thought of going outside makes me want to crawl under a blanket instead. Maybe it's the bloody rain that does it (it's been raing every day since august, kind of depressing if you ask me) or perhaps something else. All I know is that I prefer being at home these days. How unsocial of me. The last month I've avoided going out on special events and parties like never before. I'm just not up for it. On saturday I'm supposed to go out for this years christmas dinner party with the people I work with and I said I would come, but now I'm thinking of cancelling that too. Well, I have my reasons for not going to this one anyway...



Tonight is quiz night. I think it's best if I just throw on some real clothes and get the hell out of here, even if I'm not thrilled over quizzes. What will become of me... That's a scary though indeed.