Life is peculiar indeed...

It's in the middle of the night and I just have to write something down. Can't sleep and I have to work tomorrow. Hmm! I think this blog has become sort of a therapy for me. That sound ridiculous I know, but I don't really care at the moment. Oh well, here's what's on my mind tonight.

Have you ever met a person that is so similar to your self that it's scary? The very same day your eyes fell upon that person and you start talking, it's like you've known him or her forever. Still you've just met. And the more time you spend together, the more scarier it gets. You laugh at the same jokes, you can talk for hours, you have a funny way of understanding each other, you share many of the same thoughts and even sometimes finish each others sentences. Everywhere you go, you seem to bump in to one another, like something wants and pushes you towards this person. Soon you develop strong feelings, your on fire. It comes to the point in which all you think about is him or her. And then what do you do?

Screw it all up? Unfortunately that's what happened in my case. I freaked out and ran the other way without him knowing what I really felt. How stupid isn't that? Just thinking of it drives me crazy. Then on the other hand, maybe it is just not meant to be the way I wanted it to be. I mean, what if all things happens for a reason? After all, this experience has prepared me well for what may come in the future. I will certainly not make such a "mistake" twice. But come to think of it, I'm not so sure if I will experience anything like this ever again. Cause this wasn't just one of my many little crushes. No, it was something much bigger. Something I lost control over the minute I met him.

Another year gone by!

My mother turned 46 years old today. So happy birthday to her:)

When I asked her how it felt being another year older she answered:"Not nearly as bad as it was turning 40". That's good I guess... Or maybe I shouldn't have asked her that in the first place=0

I don't know why, but sometimes like today, I eat junk from the moment I wake up and until I go to bed.
This is what I stuffed myself with:

Breakfast: cookies and chocolatemilk
Lunch: More cookies and chocolatemilk
Dinner nr. 1: Chinese takeaway
Dinner nr. 2: Pizza

Going to kickboxing afterwards was torture I tell you. After the first 5 minutes I just wanted to die. But considering the circumstances I am a little impressed with myself getting trough the whole 1 1/2 hour class with our trainers. They have no mercy what so ever, so if you show up, you better perform. I love that they push you to the limit though. It makes me feel so great at the end.

Yet another dream being crushed into pieces?

Haven't had the time to write anything lately. Been busy all weekend. Actually I'm at the time really stressed out just by keeping track of the many things that needs to be done. First off all there is my application to some London universities, which really is one hell of a process. At least if your a norwegian. You see, I discovered some things that's not exactly to my advantage. The thing is that Norway isn't a member of EU, which means that entering a university as a norwegian in a EU country, isn't good at all if your broke like me. It will literally make my economy bloody miserable. I can only say that I hate the fucking EU rules more than ever, making me pay 10000 pounds a year in tuition's instead of the normally 1300 pounds. Ok, so I have a real challenge ahead of me...if I ever receive an offer that is. What else is new anyway.

I have to check out if it is possible getting a sports scholarship or something, anything that will help me pay for school. I used to be pretty good in tennis, but I haven't played in like 5 years. That can indeed be problematic.

My other problem is getting references from a former teacher. What the fuck. Who the hell in his right mind would write me a reference. As far as I can remember I didn't give a damn in class. Never once did I raise my hand answering questions. Mostly I annoyed my teacher by talking to a fellow student while he was trying to teach, even sometimes being quite rude. Basically I was doing everything else then paying attention. Now that I'm older I regret my lack of interest in school more than ever. Well, I can't change what's already been done can I?

Maybe there is one teacher I can ask, getting a good grade in his subject and all. But at the same time I'm not so sure if he has forgotten about me taking part of drawing him as devil on the blackboard. I went to a Christian school, so he took it (stupid enough) dead serious this guy. He even threatened to quit after this little incident. Ok. Maybe not him either.

Today's thoughts..

Since I finished of my last exams in psychology I've been wondering what to do next. I know I'm kind of a hopeless case when it comes to making right choices in life. Somehow I always seem to screw up. It's just the way it is with me. I haven't succeeded in anything I've started the last 10 years. This is something I avoid thinking of cause it sounds so depressing. Not only that, my whole blog sounds depressing as well. Could it be that I'm depressed? I should know studying psychology and all, but from what I feel I'm more in between. Far away from happy, but not directly sad either. More like a cold fish perhaps, I don't know. So I guess my future choices have to be well thought out cause they are definitely crucial if I want to avoid falling apart. I can't imagine what I would feel like failing once more.

So what's my genius plan for the future? I can say one thing for sure and that is that I'm going to start on a bachelor degree in autumn and without dropping out. Even if I don' t like it, I'm staying so I can get my degree. There's no way I'm not getting an education. Anyway, I'd really like to study abroad this time. Where that might be I'm not quite sure of yet, but London is tempting big time.

I can't believe what just happened. Crazy enough my cat managed to swallow one of my SAPPHIRE earrings. Damn it! Of course it was from the last pair I had left. For a second I wanted to strangle that cat, but at the same time it occurred to me that this might not be so good for the cat either. Hmm...

Some progress made

Woke up this morning looking like shit but I´m glad my head no longer feels like it has been smashed with a baseballbat.
I haven´t been very useful this weekend though. Watched some movies and that´s pretty much it. Of course there´s so many things that needs to be done, especially around the house. Some christmas decoration is still outside, which is starting to get a little embarrassing, considering that the neighbors has put away theirs quite a while ago. Wonder what´s going on in their heads when they pass our house. I probably don´t wanna know.

There is actually one good thing that has come out from me being sick this weekend. My sister washed her own clothes for the very first time in her life. Hurrah! Hopefully it won´t be the last. It kinda shocked me cause I didn´t expect that out of her at all. She´s nearly 18 and what I will call a first class slob. In this family it happens to be that the youngest always gets away from housework more easily then the oldest. So unfair. No wonder statistics show that the youngest grow up to be less independent. But she has many other good qualities though and I can´t possibly blame her for my mother spoiling her over the years.

These are the days when my appreciation for good health is at its best. You see, I´m sick. Having a cold, maybe a fever as well. As much as I try to remember the last time, my mind is just not able to retrieve anything. From the last couple of years I mean. Well except for some real uncomfortable hangovers, but that doesn´t count.
So now I try everything to recover fast from this stupid cold. I guess a horrible night sleep isn´t exactly helping, but I´m forcing down vitamin C as much as I can. Still, I only keep getting worse and worse. Now I´m stuck in this house all weekend.

New Zealand

Which part of the world would you like to see and experience the most? For me it has to be New Zealand. My fascination for that country is beyond words. I haven´t gotten the chance to travel there yet, but someday I will.

My sister is sitting here giving her very best attemt to translate from her german book. Can´t help but laugh. Haha! Honestly, she´s even worse then I was at that age. But I have to give her credit for her imagination though. Quite impressive.

I don't know what's up with me these days. My life isn't at all where I want it to be. I feel like I´m wasting parts of it, that I´m stuck, trapped, not getting anywhere. Bloody hell. Every time I start something, I seem to fail or quit because I´m bored. Unfortunately I get very easily bored. You see, boredom has sort of become my number one enemy in this life.
I also lack so much willpower that it drives me nuts. I'm sick of being this way. But how change? It's seems almost impossible. I may be interested in something one second then tired of it the next. And I mean real tired. Life is a struggle alright.

Then again, tomorrow is a brand new day. A day with new opportunities and different thinking. I have to believe that everything will turn out good in the end, cause if I don't have hope, I have absolutely nothing. I'll work pretty damn hard to get where I want, that's for sure. I will give the future my all, even if it fucking kills me. What do I got to loose anyway....

Visual illusion

What do you see? Just an old man or something more?

http://home.online.no/~steinny/Kap5/innhold_kap_5.htm

I´m thinking of moving out. You know, have my own place for a change. Actually, I have left home a couple of times, but my bad economy has pushed me in to moving in with my mother again. It´s not easy being a student, even if you live in Norway which is supposed to be one of the richest countries in the world. Anyway, the first time I left home was at the age of 16. Left for a boarding school in the middle of nowhere. What was I thinking? At least I met some great people. This time I won´t move back though, even if I´m at the point of starving. My poor mother should not have to take care of me anymore, even though she says she doesn´t mind. I still feel bad.

Pleasant surprise

Guess who showed up last night... No other than our "missing" cat. She´s okay now after throwing herself over her bowl of food eating like never before. What a sight. She was starving alright, but I was really more concerned about the cold. It´s freezing outside, so this cold might as well be able to kill her. I couldn´t even open the garage door today because of the stupid frost. I just wish spring will come early this year.
I´m, so sick and tired of being cold all the time. If only I could get the hell away from this country...

Stupid Love

Have you even been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...
You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

in Sandman: The Kindly Ones by Neil Gaiman

My cat is missing:(

My dearest cat has been gone for almost two days now. I wonder where that furball has taken turn. It isn´t like her being away for so long. In fact this has never happened before and she has been with us for 2 1/2 years. I´m starting to get real worried cause it´s so damn cold outside. That poor cat.

My sister and I have the house all to our selves now that my mother and Bjørn (her boyfriend) has left for work. They both work in the north sea by the way, so we won´t be seeing them for a while. Don´t worry. We won´t trash the house or anything. Everything is always under the bestest control. Well, at least most of the time. There has been a few exceptions which I don´t think I will talk about now. Anyway, the house will soon turn in to a mess, but that is something we take care of when absolutely necesary. It has become some sort of tradition of ours that we wait until the last minutes before they come home and then clean like crazy. That´s me and my sister in a nutshell.

Why is it so fucking impossible for me to get to sleep? It will soon be morning, which means I´ll be in a coma all day tomorrow from lack of sleep. I don´t know why, but my head keeps getting bombarded by thoughts I really just wish would go away.

What a boring day. I probably should get out of this house or at least get some fresh air, but even though my mind is up to that, my body refuses to follow. I don´t blame it. The junk I´ve been eating the last couple of days has put my energy level from low to none existent.

My mum and Bjørn are coming home any minute now. By the phonecall I got from them earlier today, they made it clear what they expected the house to look like when they arrived. Well, just as they left it of course which isn´t exactly the situation at this point.
I guess I´ll have to shine the whole place up a bit, or else poor Bjørn will get his first heartattack. Yeah, I´m a messy person:-)

And I wonder what they´ll say about the tv not working anymore. Anyway, that wasn´t my fault, at least I don´t think so.

A thought of mine

I´m not terrified, just scared of becoming it.

A quiet day

Woke up at 1 pm, not feeling so good after last night. To much alcohol down my throat and me eating candy all day isn´t something my system can handle very well. But it was fun though and pretty damn good fireworks this year.

Anyway, I´m home all alone today. Peace and quiet. The house is all mine hehe. No fighting over the remote control, nobody telling me to do this or that or confirming me over and over again how lazy I am. I love days like today.